Advanced technology, my butt!

Impulsive? Certainly. Gratuitous? Undoubtedly. Silly? Perhaps. But I have finally fulfilled one of my life-(in Japan)-long dreams. (And grammatically speaking, how _does_ one correctly insert a parenthetical note mid-(if this is even a word)-hyphenation?)

This was several years in coming, but something just told me the time was right to "ride the wave", so to speak, and join the Japanese in enjoying that pinnacle of technological achievements, the "Washlet".

Perhaps best likened to a creative fusion between a traditional toilet seat, R2-D2, and a supersoaker, most of my readers will have at least passing knowledge of this brilliant innovation from the nation who first pioneered the use of splintery wooden sticks as toilet paper many years ago.

The model I bought was at the "bottom end" of the price spectrum, and lacks so many of the sophisticated features that are advertised in the glossy brochures, such as the following:

- wall-mounted motion detection system
- self-opening toilet seat lid
- artificial "flushing" sound to cover biological noises
- built-in bathroom heater
- ejector seat mechanism

And yet, I find myself utterly unable to find any dissatisfaction with the basic functionality this device provides. Once I had worked my way through the sixteen pages of detailed installation instructions in Japanese, that is...



The experience

The excitement begins as you sit down on the (pre-heated) seat, and you feel and hear the main engines firing up, like a jet warming up on the tarmac. An internal ventilation system begins sucking in and filtering the air inside the bowl to remove any unwanted odors. Meanwhile, heating coils prime the water in a holding tank, heating it exactly to the temperature set via the built-in side-mounted control panel.

When your business is finished, you can reach up to grab the removable wall-mounted remote control panel and push the button with the international symbol for "butt" on it. A hidden panel deep within the machine slides back, and unseen, a long stainless steel cylinder extends from under the rim of the toilet seat beneath you, not unlike Luke's lightsaber emerging from Artoo's secret panel as Luke prepares to walk the plank on Jabba the Hutt's skiff.

Once fully extended, a jet of water leaps forth from the lightsaber. However, this is no random spray - it is a high-performance, precision-controlled stream. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, this is an elegant weapon for a more civilized time. The control panel sports a variety of buttons enabling you to delicately adjust the position and strength of the stream, set it to oscillate, fire it in pulses, or put it into overdrive. With a little practice, you can find just the combination of settings to blast the Sarlacc out of your, um, Pit of Carcoon.



As a bonus, there is an additional function for the ladies. Pressing the button with the girl's face on it (yes, that's next to the button with the international symbol for "butt" on it) triggers a smaller stainless steel cylinder to telescope out of the larger cylinder, reminiscent of the internal jaws of the creatures in Alien. This cylinder has several holes for delivering a more even, gentle spray, although of course with no less precision of control.

Every contingency has been anticipated. If you're worried about being startled by the experience and jumping up, spraying the walls with water, have no fear. A pressure switch in the toilet seat acts as a safety stop. If you're tired of leaning over to the side to find just the right combinations of control settings, worry no longer. The control panel is a detachable wireless remote control which bounces signals off the ceiling to a sensor on the back of the washlet.

But perhaps the most eerie function of all is the "etiquette spot", the effect of which is most poignant in the dark of night. Lifting the toilet seat automatically activates the "etiquette" system which, like a Predator UAV painting a target for your laser-guided weapon, projects a green dot in the center of the bottom of the toilet bowl, a vivid green bull's eye to keep men focused on the task at hand. Far, however, from being a solitary point in the darkness, the "etiquette spot" has the side effect of illuminating the entire bowl with an unnatural, otherworldly green glow, not unlike an ominous gateway to an evil B-movie nether dimension.



All of this technology and design together launches this device firmly into the curiously ambiguous space between "What in the *@#$% are they thinking?" and "I can't POSSIBLY live without this!" However what is irrefutable is the uncompromising quality of their precision design, which I can only imagine to be the product of decades of research by dedicated engineers, meticulously adjusting complex empirically-derived equations modeling viscosity and solubility (of, um, colloids?), and preparing their solutions for wind-tunnel testing by running elaborate simulations on high-precision finite-element models of the butt.

Duet Competition

So, they announced the results of the Miki Gakki duet competition a few hours ago, and we passed the first round! Gotta come up with something good for the semifinals now...

Here are the results from the first round. I'm so psyched!

Here's a shot of the two of us with our vocal teacher, just after the first-round competition a month ago.

Awesome Lifelike Quadruped Walking Robot

Ok, it's very late at night but I'll blame it on the jet-lag. Although of course it's not jet-lag, it's just my lifestyle.

I felt the obligation to post this video due to the sheer numbers of friends from across the world who have emailed this link to me. The lifelikeness of this robot's motion is really eerie. Of course, my robots roll rather than walk, but I can certainly appreciate the vast amount of work that goes into making a machine operate with this level of flexibility, speed, and robustness!



Of course, thinking of this technology in military hands is a little scary. I just got back from a robotics conference where they had a whole panel discussion on robo-ethics, and a lot of that centered around the military use of robots. Not to delve into that abyss at the moment, but watching this video in that context does conjure up images of unstoppable invading robot armies swarming across the landscape...

The Wrong Side of the Brain

So... I was all psyched to participate in this experiment where they were going to scan my brain and stuff. I was really looking forward to it and hoping I could get a screencapture or two of my brain in action.

Alas, I was disqualified during the initial screening. Why? Because I'm left-handed. Apparently left-handed people tend to have screwy brain wiring and thus don't make good experimental subjects for these sorts of experiments.

Bummed out about that, I came home and did some reading on Wikipedia and whatnot. It looks like the term for what I am is "cross-dominant", since I favor my left hand for some tasks (writing, using scissors, mousing - generally things requiring precision) and my right for others (baseball, splitting wood, hockey, etc. - generally things requiring strength). On top of that, I'm right-footed, but left-eyed. I don't know which is my dominant ear, but I suspect it's my left.

I'm really curious as to how this affects my cognitive processing and my brain's layout.. apparently there are all sorts of variations between people and an endless supply of theories out there as to causes.

I also ran across this rather interesting article, showing a direct correlation between murder rates (!) and left-handedness in primitive societies. But even though lots of half-baked theories exist, the conclusion seems to be that basically nobody has any idea what handedness is all about.

Of course, whenever I sit around pondering why I'm left-handed, I remind myself that there are deeper mysteries in the world - for example, why I am I. That one has been spinning my head around for years now. And then I am content to let the questions lie. Until the next unexplainable mystery pops into my head. ;)

And of course, I had to take a 20-question quiz to see what it said. I don't know what these results mean in light of my cross-dominance, however. But I do think "cross-dominance" is a pretty kickass-sounding term. :)

(is there such thing as "cross-submissiveness", for that matter? ;)
(and should "kickass-sounding" actually be doubly-hyphenated?)

You Are 15% Left Brained, 85% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

um... dogs? Prefers them to what? To cats? Or to ... lack of dogs?

Balanced Steps

As many of you know, I'm often criticized for my less-than-symmetrical choices of footwear. Yet it seems that this time the asymmetrical boot is on the other foot, so to speak.

Evidently there are some who would spend nearly $200 on a pair of boots and yet not notice while trying them on in the store that the left is substantially larger than the right... maybe someone's mind was on her puppy rather than on her dogs. ;)

[ed - so I actually wrote this in reference to my girlfriend at the time, but then got a perplexed email from my mom. Apparently, at the same time my girlfriend had bought these boots, my mom had also bought a pair of boots, one of which was too big for her, which she hadn't noticed... and she also had a puppy!]

Clinton vs Obama

My friend Berta just posted this article on Facebook: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200712/obama

I haven't been following the political race too closely, but I think this article brings out a number of interesting points. It's also more well-written than any summary I could write, but I'll write one anyway for the "skimmers" who seem to be so disproportionately overrepresented in my blog readership... :P

First, the main thrust of the article is that the most important thing about this election is not about the specifics of what we're going to do in Iraq, or how the health care system will evolve, or policy about gay marriage... there aren't so many dramatic differences between candidates' stances on these issues, in terms of what actions they would realistically take.

The article's main argument is that, moreso than these specific policy issues, the biggest issue is the deep schism in American society that reaches back to Vietnam, the hippies, and the Civil Rights movement, a problem which has been greatly exacerbated by the fundamentalist right leaning of the Bush administration. It argues that Obama would be a much better choice than Clinton in terms of unifying the nation and bridging this divide.

There are two other points I found salient in the article. The first was sort of a sidenote, but it made me think... nobody questions the power of the media in shaping the outcome of an election. However, a divided nation voting between diametrically opposed candidates provides an exciting and dramatic battle, captures the public interest, and consequently boosts ratings. So really, healing the nation is not in the interest of the media. Keeping things tense and divided makes for a better show.

Another, unrelated, point was that many of the children in the Middle East have never known any American president other than Bush, and it is critically important to change the image that America projects if we want to gain the trust of the Muslim world.

Anyway, as I said, the article is much more well-written than any summary I can provide. My English skills are really going downhill, as are my Japanese skills. Soon I will only be able to communicate in grunts, gestures, and source code.

A Short Memento

Ok, I know I've been terrible about blogging for ... well, since last November, when I nearly killed myself with NaBloPoMo.
I can't possibly catch up on everything in one post.

... or can I?

Well, certainly not with pictures anyway, but I can hit the highlights.

Let's go in reverse chronological order, shall we? Sort of Memento-style.

This Evening

I recover, trying to gain my bearings. What happened, an earthquake or something?! Standing in the kitchen... it looks like I'm in the middle of making some lemonade. I finish filling the two-liter pitcher with water, and try it. Wow, that's insanely sweet! I probably could have made ten liters with that...

I pour a cup and go sit at my computer to blog.

Earlier This Evening

Settling in at home on a quiet, rainy night, I go to the fridge to find... no juice to be found. Nothing at all to drink, really. I'm not about to go juicing shiitake mushrooms, and I'm not really up for wine or anything, so I decide to make some lemonade.

As this page says, everybody remembers the ingredients, but not necessarily the quantities. I followed the instructions - one cup sugar, one cup lemon juice, one cup water, and take a sip... sensory overload and the world goes black... whoever wrote that web page was trying to kill someone.

Sunday

I wake up. It's twilight outside... I'm in bed. The clock says it's around five. Am? Pm? I go shower and shave, and it's night by the time I get out. Guess it was PM. I go to the store and pick up a lot of groceries. So many that I don't seem to have room for juice. Has it been this long since I've been food shopping?

Saturday

I step off the plane, go through immigration and customs, and walk out of the airport heavily overdressed. Despite the autumn chill in the air, I find that I'm sweating. I strip off my jacket and overshirt, and buy my ticket for the bus into Osaka.

Thursday night

I am standing in a large room, bright white fluorescent lights mounted all across the wall facing me, in sort of a zigzag pattern. I turn around, and vast planes of blue stretch out above and below me. I'm feeling a little sleepy, and I get the nagging feeling that I need to go pack my bags.

Earlier thursday night

Nick walks into the hotel lobby. "Hey Dylan! Long time, no see! So are you ready to head out to the modern art museum?"


Haha... ok, writing like this takes too much time and thought. I'll never get back to the summer, or even my birthday party for that matter.

Guess I'll have to try again tomorrow. Almost over the jet lag, so I'm actually starting to get sleepy at 4am.
'night